Sorry but couldn’t help but comment on this one. To start, my wife is 48 and had been in perimenopause for a few years now. Her drive is gone. As for wishing that men had ED, so they would understand is utterly ridiculous. Let me explain.
I have a brain tumor that’s on my pituitary gland. It’s relatively small and non-cancerous. I found out that it was responsible for taking my testosterone to nearly zero while jacking up my prolactin levels to incredible heights. My endocrinologist told me I was essentially a perimenopausal woman. Yes, it killed my sex drive long before my wife had her issues.
Here’s the thing, I understood it was selfish of me to withhold sex from my wife. It wasn’t fair to her. So I did everything humanly possible to satisfy her. Once I had my diagnosis, I was given meds that stopped my time growth and testosterone. Now my wife and I are again at opposite ends of the spectrum where her libido is gone but I the the libido of a 25 year old.
The difference is that she, like many other women that have commented here have succumbed to that lack of desire and as one woman put it, “pathologized” men. My wife says she wants to try to change things but whatever I suggest, she loses motivation if it’s anything more than an instant fix.
I can say from a very unique perspective that I do understand completely the effects of having no drive. I also take serious issue with a woman saying why don’t men “understand”. Most men do. That doesn’t change how they still feel about their wives and when that’s taken away after years of marriage it hurts deeply.
To marginalize the husband by saying they don’t understand just because they don’t feel what you do at the same time is selfish on your part. Motivation to do everything you can for your partner doesn’t come from sex drive. If you allow yourself to become a victim of your perimenopause and not think about your husband too, you are just as much a part of the problem as the condition itself.
For those women who have commented earlier with responses like ‘how do I get me back’, or ‘what can I do to help my relationship back’, I applaud you. At least you are trying and not being a victim. Your husband, if he’s any kind of man, will see that and do whatever he can to help. Wishing you issues on your husband is a cop out and projecting ill will just to make yourself feel better about a crappy situation. Perimenopause stinks.
But perhaps it’s more helpful to understand that it stinks for both of you. Do you really think it’s helpful to wish that your husband went into seemingly random rage spirals just to understand you better? Really? How is that remotely helpful? The husband just knows that his wife of 10, 20, 30 years is all but gone and he didn’t do anything that caused it.
Try to understand that! Again, for those women who are honestly trying whatever they can, you are the best and I hope your husbands see that. You aren’t being a victim.